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About Varied / Artist Premium Member NikoMale/United States Group :icondreadfully-dramatic: Dreadfully-Dramatic
A darker form of beauty.
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I'm still very depressed. 

I've (not so) recently begun seeing a gender therapist. We're not getting anywhere concerning my GID (gender identity disorder), but we're working with primal therapy to unravel some of the mysteries of my past. I had/have severe bouts of losing time, due to my fragmented personalities. I am remembering more and more of my past, though it is painful considering the amount of abuse, disappointment, dysphoria, and sickness I went through. I can remember as early as three years old now, though that doesn't amount to much owing to infant-hood amnesia. 

I can remember now when my gender problem first came about, though my parents don't believe a word of it. I haven't even tried to explain to them what's going on or how I feel. Simply because I know they could care less and don't want anything to change. It's hard having GID when not even your parents can talk to you about it, because they think you're full of shit.

With the recent suicides of many trans teens, I have vowed to myself to not become part of the statistics. Leelah, Zander, and all the other trans teens who didn't make the news: We still, and always will love you. 

In other news, I am suicidal. I just can't do anything about it. I don't want to do anything about it. 

Doing anything has become a task. I may have some medical condition, something wrong with my digestive system, especially my colon. My biological father had poor genes and now has Chron's Disease (is that how you spell it?), so it would only be expected that I have some problems like that. 

I'm just sick all over. 

- niko.
  • Mood: Rejected
A body, the temple with which we cradle our health;
a beacon to liars and those who leer,
to those who bounce and cheer
when we lose our footing.

We haven’t collapsed yet, only a bit of blood to mark the ground;
to remind ourselves of our soul,
to those who humiliate and dig holes
when we forget to hum in tune.

As if we’ve already peddled our bodies, our mind;
to the ageless concrete underground that has become our clock,
divided by lines of red and grey and brown in chalk
when we disagree.

Ribcages displayed in magnificence, hearts on a stick;
to excite the others at respite in awe,
to treat those who wish to watch a luxury unfold worthy of applause
when we stimulate insecurity.

A society wrought by wars of bones and bronze;
can we heal given the right amount of momentum, liberty, and rhyme
or are we all doomed to scrape by until we die
at the unveiling of our mistakes?

Speak of revolution at the break in the ticking of time;
step back to listen to the beating drums
we’ve ignored as insolent children of its thrums
when we bite our tongues at the mention of its song.
kowareta.
Fix society.
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    My entire existence revolved around a single bar of soap, counting to fifteen, taking a breath, twenty, a breath, and then twenty five, letting out the lungful of harmful air from my body.
    I picked absently at the cracks in my knuckles, smelling the cloying aroma of Clorox floating through my home. There wasn’t a way I could stop my thoughts as they raced through counting the number of times I pick at my arms, my hands, my scars. Suddenly, my boyfriend placed his pale lips on my bare shoulder, bringing my rigid hands apart with his forgiving, gentle grip.
    “Destin,”
    “Avery,” I mumbled in response, jerking my hands back to picking at the scars, knowing I was at seventeen and he had stopped me. I started again, sighing hard and taking in a breath as I bit my lip, knowing counting to fifteen a lungful of contaminated air was always the hardest. I hadn’t even noticed the blood pooling in my lap.
    “Destin, I’m serious. Please stop so I can bandage your hands.”
    I let my breath out hard, feeling my chest tightening from not being able to rid myself of this…disease. “No, let me get to twenty five. Just-“ He circled around the couch and looked deep into the bruises under my eyes rather than my irises. My dull, ugly, imperfect, unclean, filthy-
    “Understand something.” He brought my bleeding hands up to his lips, letting his light pink petals glide across my bloodied hand’s faces. “I want you to be happy, and I want you to feel clean.”
    “Twenty five makes me feel fucking clean.” I pulled my hands back again, and started all over again.
    Avery sighed hard and sat down beside me, grabbing the bandages from the table. “Finish up, then we’ll bandage your clean hands, alright?”
    “Thank you.”
    I picked twenty five times, letting out a thankful breath at every interval, instantly feeling better. It was then I noticed just how torn up and wounded my hands were. Gasping under my breath, I remembered how to let myself cry. The tears burned my scabs and reopened scars, but it felt clean. Nothing could hurt me.
    “Destin,” Avery said slowly and sadly, gradually unraveling the bandages. “Please give me your hands. I have washed as well.”
    Shamefacedly I gave him my hands, taking my gaze away from the mess I’d made. The memorable sting of rubbing alcohol slid into my open sores with ease, making my soul feel cleansed and pure. Like a child, being baptized in his mother’s blood for the last time. Relief washed through me, with Avery’s palms working softly at my damaged hands. I felt complete.
    “There,”
    It was like I had fallen asleep to the consoling and familiar sensation of alcohol in my veins.
    It was like Avery healed my pain.
    I leaned forward to kiss him, our lips meeting, unpuckered. Unloving.
    Clean.
obses sivec ompul sived isord errr.
ocd is a child, loose with a pair of scissors inside a damaged mind.

pairs of fives are all i have left. 

i'm sorry i've been absent. xoxo
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(Contains: strong language)
my chest, crushed and bleeding,
breaking my coughs into couplets,
choking my neck into a fate worse
than death; arsenic in my throat,
the pleasant feeling of poison dripping
from my fingers,
blood making my vision run
red:

i cannot disappear.

reflect this mess of me into the
fragments of mirror, screaming,
“help me.”

taste this devastation of myself, this heart
rendered meaningless and
beating-too-fast-for-comfort –
i am breaking.

no one wants me to express the damaged nature
of my soul, the cracked
figment of my mind, the nine hearts
beating inside one chest;
one crushed chest, breaking, bleeding, cracking,
fragmenting, hemorrhaging, blistering,
shifting, falling, choking, climaxing, breathing,
hating, collapsing, stopping, ceasing, fracturing, rupturing,
fissuring, gasping, snapping, splintering,
splitting, sputtering, panting, fucking breathle s s,
crippling, debilitating, screaming,
cursing, fuc k i n g
help me.

deviantID

crooked-clockwork
Niko
Artist | Varied
United States
Hello there. My name is Nikolas, you can call me Nik or whatever comes to your mind.

Right now I'm working on a future war novel set in a pre-apocalyptic AU alongside another book about a man with multiple personality disorder, so it's pretty darn inventive in this mess of a brain.

:bulletblack: I am obsessed with anime for most of my day.
:bulletblack: If you speak to me in a foreign language, I will respond in a foreign language.
:bulletblack: My art makes people think I'm always serious. I'm actually a self-proclaimed idiot.
:bulletblack: I like to write and I like to fluster people with my writing.
:bulletblack: I listen to underground rap / rock, classical, dubstep, and lots of foreign tunes.
:bulletblack: I put my cats before myself.
:bulletblack: I am taken by a beautiful boy that doubts his beauty.
:bulletblack: I really enjoy ribcages and spines.
:bulletblack: I could play The Last of Us all darned day.
:bulletblack: I believe firmly in science.

El Psy Congroo.
:iconbummyplz:

Also, I know I never thank anyone for favorites, but I always respond to comments, features and the likes. However, a thanks for the generous favorites from my readers is hopefully implied. Again, thank you! :hug:

Some of my favorite artists that you should definitely check out!
:iconmariannainsomnia: :iconplacebofx: :iconmatthias-haker: :iconnanfe: :iconnataliadrepina: :iconnikolasbrummer: :iconrosel-d: :iconsenju-hime: :iconshaolinfeilong: :iconsydsir: :icontaralundriganphoto: :iconwonderbandalice: :iconxiaoyugaara: :iconyuumei: :iconjon-lock: :iconlen-yan: :iconkhaoskai: :iconkostassoid: :iconkyoux: :iconlaura-makabresku: :iconmediaviolence: :iconamazingartistyellow: :iconaphin123: :iconbailey--elizabeth: :iconchaosfissure: :iconelenahelfrecht: :iconhikariix: :iconhubedihubbe: :icon4bsinthe:

Some of my favorite writers that you should definitely check out!

:iconcopper9lives: :iconmatieucanadawilliams: :iconoaklungs: :iconpuddlethecat: :iconretrubutionist777: :iconsaltwaterlungs: :iconsetmyworldintomotion: :iconsolis-ortus: :iconssensory: :iconlady-yume: :iconlearningtobefree: :iconlittleblueraccoon: :iconannanious84: :iconbrokenfragilethings: :iconbrokencrystalrose: :iconcounting-vertebrae: :icondearpoetry: :iconastergirl: :iconchromeantennae:

My IRL friends and great artists (check them out as well!)

:iconshadownelliel: :iconxemptyxgravex: :iconzeldapokemonlover64: :iconkimiwaruiimouto: :iconbrokencrystalrose: :iconkirstenluttrell:

--

I never post anything on my ff.net account soooo. That link is partly useless.
Interests

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A Bit of Q & A

q. Do you take requests?
a. As of now, no, but I will update and let everyone know when I will! :aww:

q. Can I use your photos / literature for one of my projects?
a. I'd prefer you ask to use my photos (a note, no comments), but I'd rather you not use my literature.

q. What's your favorite anime?
a. I have many! Attack on Titan, Steins;Gate, Kuroshitsuji or Fullmetal Alchemist though, for first place.

q. Do you read manga? If yes, which is your favorite?
a. Yes! My favorite manga is probably Tokyo Ghoul. Shingeki no Kyojin at a close second, and Kuroshitsuji.

q. What kind of camera do you use?
a. Pentax k100D.

q. How many years writing experience do you have?
a. Ten years.

q. Are you a professional writer or have you taken any classes?
a. I'm not a professional, but I take basic learning creative writing classes online. I now teach character development and creative tools in writing online.

q. What is your full name?
a. I won't give out my full name but my first is Nikolas.

Comments


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:iconretrubutionist777:
Retrubutionist777 Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Oh mah gursh(: Thank you so so much for all the favorites! It made me extremely logging in and seeing all the notifications in my message box. *glomps you*
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(1 Reply)
:iconretrubutionist777:
Retrubutionist777 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for favoriting "The Ache". It is truly special and encouraging after my long hiatus, to know you still enjoy reading my work(: So thank you, very very much!
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(1 Reply)
:iconlady-yume:
Lady-Yume Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2014   Writer
Hello,
Thank you, as always, for reading my work and adding it to your +favourites :+fav:!
Wishing you the best for the new year!:Bummies:
Reply
:iconthebaresheet:
TheBareSheet Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2014  Student General Artist
thanks for the faves <3
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:iconirrevocablefate:
IrrevocableFate Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2014   Writer
:hug:
Reply
:iconlady-yume:
Lady-Yume Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2014   Writer
Hello,

Thank you so much for reading my work and adding it to your +favourites as always~! :heart:
Reply
:iconwaywardgal:
waywardgal Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2014  Student General Artist
Thank you so much for taking the time out to favorite my works. It means such a great deal to me that you enjoy my art, and I hope you can consider watching Hug

Reply
:iconirrevocablefate:
IrrevocableFate Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2014   Writer
:hug: Thank you for the favorite.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2014

:icontransparentplz::iconcloudsplz::iconhappysunplz::iconcloudsplz:

Thanks for reading and for faving my work! I really appreciate it 

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:iconmickyjenver:
mickyjenver Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist

Thank you for the favorite on Cycling to Work :) You have some cool scary works :)

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