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About Varied / Artist Member NikoMale/United States Groups :icondreadfully-dramatic: Dreadfully-Dramatic
A darker form of beauty.
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    My entire existence revolved around a single bar of soap, counting to fifteen, taking a breath, twenty, a breath, and then twenty five, letting out the lungful of harmful air from my body.
    I picked absently at the cracks in my knuckles, smelling the cloying aroma of Clorox floating through my home. There wasn’t a way I could stop my thoughts as they raced through counting the number of times I pick at my arms, my hands, my scars. Suddenly, my boyfriend placed his pale lips on my bare shoulder, bringing my rigid hands apart with his forgiving, gentle grip.
    “Destin,”
    “Avery,” I mumbled in response, jerking my hands back to picking at the scars, knowing I was at seventeen and he had stopped me. I started again, sighing hard and taking in a breath as I bit my lip, knowing counting to fifteen a lungful of contaminated air was always the hardest. I hadn’t even noticed the blood pooling in my lap.
    “Destin, I’m serious. Please stop so I can bandage your hands.”
    I let my breath out hard, feeling my chest tightening from not being able to rid myself of this…disease. “No, let me get to twenty five. Just-“ He circled around the couch and looked deep into the bruises under my eyes rather than my irises. My dull, ugly, imperfect, unclean, filthy-
    “Understand something.” He brought my bleeding hands up to his lips, letting his light pink petals glide across my bloodied hand’s faces. “I want you to be happy, and I want you to feel clean.”
    “Twenty five makes me feel fucking clean.” I pulled my hands back again, and started all over again.
    Avery sighed hard and sat down beside me, grabbing the bandages from the table. “Finish up, then we’ll bandage your clean hands, alright?”
    “Thank you.”
    I picked twenty five times, letting out a thankful breath at every interval, instantly feeling better. It was then I noticed just how torn up and wounded my hands were. Gasping under my breath, I remembered how to let myself cry. The tears burned my scabs and reopened scars, but it felt clean. Nothing could hurt me.
    “Destin,” Avery said slowly and sadly, gradually unraveling the bandages. “Please give me your hands. I have washed as well.”
    Shamefacedly I gave him my hands, taking my gaze away from the mess I’d made. The memorable sting of rubbing alcohol slid into my open sores with ease, making my soul feel cleansed and pure. Like a child, being baptized in his mother’s blood for the last time. Relief washed through me, with Avery’s palms working softly at my damaged hands. I felt complete.
    “There,”
    It was like I had fallen asleep to the consoling and familiar sensation of alcohol in my veins.
    It was like Avery healed my pain.
    I leaned forward to kiss him, our lips meeting, unpuckered. Unloving.
    Clean.
obses sivec ompul sived isord errr.
ocd is a child, loose with a pair of scissors inside a damaged mind.

pairs of fives are all i have left. 

i'm sorry i've been absent. xoxo
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(Contains: strong language)
my chest, crushed and bleeding,
breaking my coughs into couplets,
choking my neck into a fate worse
than death; arsenic in my throat,
the pleasant feeling of poison dripping
from my fingers,
blood making my vision run
red:

i cannot disappear.

reflect this mess of me into the
fragments of mirror, screaming,
“help me.”

taste this devastation of myself, this heart
rendered meaningless and
beating-too-fast-for-comfort –
i am breaking.

no one wants me to express the damaged nature
of my soul, the cracked
figment of my mind, the nine hearts
beating inside one chest;
one crushed chest, breaking, bleeding, cracking,
fragmenting, hemorrhaging, blistering,
shifting, falling, choking, climaxing, breathing,
hating, collapsing, stopping, ceasing, fracturing, rupturing,
fissuring, gasping, snapping, splintering,
splitting, sputtering, panting, fucking breathle s s,
crippling, debilitating, screaming,
cursing, fuc k i n g
help me.
i became lost,
trapped inside a bottle of your saltwater
nightmares, sipping on
algaeblood until your lambent light bulbs
f l i c k e r e d
to boil my freezing waters.

broken toy ships,
oceans of your soul poured from paper, anathematized
eyes, pipe dreams spent
lounging in a sea of heartfelt retentions.
i write logs of bad weather,
hardships spat onto my eyeglasses, filling
me with the sorrow i taste on
your lips.

widower, spoken words; pink sheets of rushing
water, trembling hips
under wrinkled hands burning the
tips of your hair.

black monday –
i promised you a deep blue,
but left you with thighs of shallow red.
boreal agony.
i have a chest full of blood,
and a mouth that spits hypocrisy.

it has been a while.
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deviantID

crooked-clockwork
Niko
Artist | Varied
United States
Hello there. My name is Nikolas, you can call me Nik or whatever comes to your mind.

Right now I'm working on a future war novel set in a pre-apocalyptic AU alongside another book about a man with multiple personality disorder, so it's pretty darn inventive in this mess of a brain.

:bulletblack: I am obsessed with anime for most of my day.
:bulletblack: If you speak to me in a foreign language, I will respond in a foreign language.
:bulletblack: My art makes people think I'm always serious. I'm actually a self-proclaimed idiot.
:bulletblack: I like to write and I like to fluster people with my writing.
:bulletblack: I listen to underground rap / rock, classical, dubstep, and lots of foreign tunes.
:bulletblack: I put my cats before myself.
:bulletblack: I am taken by a beautiful boy that doubts his beauty.
:bulletblack: I really enjoy ribcages and spines.
:bulletblack: I could play The Last of Us all darned day.
:bulletblack: I believe firmly in science.

El Psy Congroo.
:iconbummyplz:

Fandoms I am currently obsessed with: Attack on Titan, Black Butler, Tokyo Ghoul, Death Note, Steins;Gate, Fullmetal Alchemist (mostly Brotherhood), Hetalia, Face Off (awesome show on SyFy), Hollywood Undead, Vocaloid (my favorites are: Oliver, Gumi, Kaito, Gakupo, Len & Rin, VY2 Yuuma, Megurine Luka, and IA), Avenged Sevenfold, and Godzilla mainly. :heart:

Also, I know I never thank anyone for favorites, but I always respond to comments, features and the likes. However, a thanks for the generous favorites from my readers is hopefully implied. Again, thank you! :hug:

Some of my favorite artists that you should definitely check out!
:iconmariannainsomnia: :iconplacebofx: :iconmatthias-haker: :iconnanfe: :iconnataliadrepina: :iconnikolasbrummer: :iconrosel-d: :iconsenju-hime: :iconshaolinfeilong: :iconsydsir: :icontaralundriganphoto: :iconwonderbandalice: :iconxiaoyugaara: :iconyuumei: :iconjon-lock: :iconlen-yan: :iconkhaoskai: :iconkostassoid: :iconkyoux: :iconlaura-makabresku: :iconmediaviolence: :iconamazingartistyellow: :iconaphin123: :iconbailey--elizabeth: :iconchaosfissure: :iconelenahelfrecht: :iconhikariix: :iconhubedihubbe: :icon4bsinthe:

Some of my favorite writers that you should definitely check out!

:iconcopper9lives: :iconmatieucanadawilliams: :iconoaklungs: :iconpuddlethecat: :iconretrubutionist777: :iconsaltwaterlungs: :iconsetmyworldintomotion: :iconsolis-ortus: :iconssensory: :iconlady-yume: :iconlearningtobefree: :iconlittleblueraccoon: :iconannanious84: :iconbrokenfragilethings: :iconbrokencrystalrose: :iconcounting-vertebrae: :icondearpoetry: :iconastergirl: :iconchromeantennae:

My IRL friends and great artists (check them out as well!)

:iconshadownelliel: :iconxemptyxgravex: :iconzeldapokemonlover64: :iconkimiwaruiimouto: :iconbrokencrystalrose: :iconkirstenluttrell:

--

I never post anything on my ff.net account soooo. That link is partly useless.
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:iconthebaresheet:
TheBareSheet Featured By Owner 21 hours ago  Student General Artist
thanks for the faves <3
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:iconirrevocablefate:
IrrevocableFate Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2014   Writer
:hug:
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:iconlady-yume:
Lady-Yume Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2014   Writer
Hello,

Thank you so much for reading my work and adding it to your +favourites as always~! :heart:
Reply
:iconwaywardgal:
waywardgal Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2014  Student General Artist
Thank you so much for taking the time out to favorite my works. It means such a great deal to me that you enjoy my art, and I hope you can consider watching Hug

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:iconirrevocablefate:
IrrevocableFate Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2014   Writer
:hug: Thank you for the favorite.
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2014

:icontransparentplz::iconcloudsplz::iconhappysunplz::iconcloudsplz:

Thanks for reading and for faving my work! I really appreciate it 

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:iconmickyjenver:
mickyjenver Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist

Thank you for the favorite on Cycling to Work :) You have some cool scary works :)

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:iconithaswhatitisnt:
ithaswhatitisnt Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much for the faves, my friend!!! :iconglomplz: :heart:
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:iconvasya-masha:
Vasya-Masha Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Thank you for the favs! :)
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2014
Thanks for the fave :]
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